From The Mouths of Babes

This morning, my husband got ready to leave early in order to take his car to the mechanic. As he stood by the doorway, he stopped, waved good-bye to me. I stopped what I stopped what I was doing, and playfully pranced along towards him and gave him hug. It was a huge hug, and a long one.

My seven year old son looked at us, and said, "That's what you guys should be doing every morning, instead of fighting all the time."

What was that? From the mouths of babes! My response to him was quick, and without much thought, "Honey, your Dad and I love each other. We also agree to disagree. If we seem like we're fighting, it's because we're trying to find something we can agree on."

Pat me on the back, and let me bask under the glory of my wisdom!

Set The Rules To Agree To Disagree

Do you ever find yourself mumbling "I gotta get outta here! This can't be worth it?" Especially after an argument of sorts....no matter how major or trivial it may be? But when I imagine my life without him, I feel the world crumbling around me.

What is it about marriage that makes us crazy? act crazy? think crazy? be crazy? Boy, it sure is TOUGH! As a child, you read that after you find Prince Charming, you live Happily Ever After! The beauty of Fiction! Fairy Tales! Certainly not the real life things we encounter from day to day. It gets worse when there's financial troubles. Notice how happily ever after applies to those characters being swept away by some Royal Prince Charming? Ha! Easy for him to promise her the moon! He's got his Dad's kingdom to bank on. But what about the rest of us who have to manage what we have and what we don't have?

Ten years of being married has really taught me that happily ever after is a journey and not a destination. And along the way, there will be setbacks. There will be tough times. There will be times of no money. There will be many times of arguing back and forth. But it these things will always be there, sometimes everyday. But we've learned to choose our battles. We've learned to figure out when to stop and when to bring it up again. And this is constant. It runs on a plane of infinity, constantly arising on so many occassions.

It took a few years to figure out how to fight fair. During the years, we established rules in how to argue.

1. We will agree that there will be things that we will disagree about.

2. We agree to RESPECT each other by NOT throwing foul language around, or calling each other names during an argument.

3. We agree that there will be NO PHYSICAL HARM of any kind given to each other.

4. We agree that we will give each other the chance to speak their mind without being interrupted, and LISTEN to what he/she has to say.

5. Say sorry. When you're wrong, you're wrong. But when you're right, sometimes, your delivery is wrong. Apologize for that, it makes a big difference.

6. Sometimes, it's okay to go to bed angry. When you wake up in the morning, you realize that you were exhausted the night before, and that caused your arguments to be worse than what they were. And when you do realize that, take a moment and start the discussion with a hug.

There is a place called Utopia, that we are always in search of. I've found out along the way that Utopia is here. That if we take a step back, we will realize that we are living in it. We can learn to be happy with what we have, and not seek happiness in what we don't have. We learn to look into each other's eyes and find that ourselves swept away the same way when wefirst exchanged "I Do's."

My cousin-in-law, who has three wonderful girls gave us a great piece of advice a long time ago. She said, "Just talk, even if you just talk late at night. Just keep talking and listening to one another." I can't thank her enough for those words of wisdom. For when we argue, we do a lot of talking. But once we start talkng and listening, then that is the start of something good.

Happily Ever After

Cinderella was always my favorite fairy tale as a child.  As I fiddled through pages of my Disney Story books, I dreamed that one day, Prince Charming would come and sweep me off my feet, and I would live "happily ever after."  The End.

NOT!

Reality hits you after the first few months of marriage that  "Happily Ever After" is just a line in the story book that writers do not want to expound on. In real life, the phrase is such a complicated matter that would need volumes upon volumes to write about. The dynamics of a relationship changes not long after you exchange your  "I do's."  I've been married almost ten years, and there are plenty of times that I find myself holding on to my sacred vows, and reminding myself that this is not an easy ride into life.  

People are just different. People are imperfect. Imperfection is probably the one single most attribute that we humans have that is our own claim to perfection. We are perfectly imperfect.  Thus, there is no perfect marriage. Just solid ones. Perhaps at a time, it gets weakened by differences. Say, money problems, arguments, an unpleasant comment made publicly that unknowingly humiliates the other, or even something as simply as being over-tired.  But love does conquer all. And to win the battle, it is done by being armed with love and a mutual respect for each other.  When respect starts to wane, then trouble looms in the horizons. And perhaps love would be able to strengthen things up a bit to reconnect the bond of two souls who once vowed...."for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, 'til death do us part."

I can only sit here and say that being married is probably the second hardest experience I have ever dealt with in my life. (The first is being a "mom.")  But with any hard tasks, the rewards are great. Our Tenth Year Anniversary is fast approaching. Ten years ago, I would never have imagined that I would be in this place.  I am happy to say that I love my husband. Life's difficulties come more often than we want it to. But beside him, I feel that we can conquer anything.  Happily Ever After is not the end of our destination. It is our journey.